God gave me MORE than I could handle…..

Seven weeks ago today, I felt my heart sink.  I sat on the ultrasound table and watched the nice flat screen monitor….there I saw a sweet baby in my womb with no heartbeat.  Words cannot express what I felt at that exact moment.  It took a few minutes to really hit me that I would never hold that sweet baby that was inside of me at that moment.  That I would never get to nurse this child of mine.  That I would never get to rock her to sleep.  That I would never get to sing to this baby.  But when it all sank in….it came at once.

For the next two days, I cried constantly.  I cried when the heartburn hit.  I cried when moments of morning sickness was setting in.  I cried while I simply rested on the couch from extreme exhaustion.  I was without any doubt pregnant still; however, the life inside of me was no longer living.

I blamed myself first.  Why did I not probe more about that “second sac?”  Why did I not ask what an implantation bleed was if that was what it was?  Why did I not research implantation bleed?  Did I lift too much and play too hard on the floor with my little ones to cause this?  Did I eat the wrong foods?  Should I have quit breastfeeding sooner?  What did I DO to cause this baby to stop developing?

Then….I did it.  I blamed God.  Why did He let this happen?  Why did He not take care of my baby?  Why did He let me get pregnant if it was not the right time?  Why did He not give the doctor wisdom to see pick up on the clot and do something then?  Why ME?  There was NO WAY I could handle this.  Why would God make me go through it?

A week prior to that day, a friend on Facebook posted this, “God put this on my heart first thing when I woke up this morning and he has smothered me with it all day.  I have heard Him loud and clear today and somebody out there needs this right now or will need it in the future, including myself.  My favorite verse is John 16:33 which says, “I have told you these things, so that you may have peace.  In this world you WILL have trouble.  But take heart!  I …have overcome the world.”  You see, God never promised that He would protect us from all bad things.  He says, “you WILL have trouble”.  One of the common sayings in the Church world is that “God will never give you more than you can handle”.  This is untrue, because if He never gave YOU more than YOU can handle, then we wouldn’t need HIM.  God WILL give us more than we can handle so that we understand that we cannot do life without Him!  The true statement is this: God will never give you more than you can handle with His help. This means we have to ask Him for His help and fully believe and trust that He will provide it.  It may not be in our timing, but in His.  His plan for our lives is always so much greater than our plan for ourselves. I know it is hard to believe when you are a going through a storm, but that is why it is called FAITH.  If we fully understood God and how he works, then he wouldn’t be God.”

On top of recalling what he posted, Cheryl Derbyshire, a missionary for over twenty years in Thailand, said it simple to me “Don’t focus on understanding right now, just focus on dwelling in the Lord’s presence and finding His rest.”  Her words hit home to me.  I read them a few times for the next couple of days.  She was right….understanding was not necessary.  I needed God.  While I knew what Cheryl meant by “dwell in the Lord’s presence.”  I immediately looked to the scripture after about my 5th time of reading her simple words to me.  In Psalm 27:4(a), David writes “One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life”  David did not just want to encounter God some days.  He wanted to soak up every moment with the Lord.  God spoke to me then….I needed Him daily, not just at this moment while I was miscarrying my baby, but every moment of every day.  And I COULD NOT do it alone.

At that moment, Matt Maher’s song, I Need You came to mind.  The lyrics go

Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You’re the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I’ll fall on You
Jesus, You’re my hope and stay

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

You’re my one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Throughout the following two weeks, while I waited to miscarry naturally, I focused my attention on Christ.  It was hard.  And I will admit that I had my days where I still wanted to know why and blame Him.  However, I would always remember Psalm 27:4 and quote in my head.  It was go-to scripture for those two weeks as I waited to miscarry.  Cheryl’s words and Grayson’s post made me realize that 1) God did give me more than I could handle, but 2) I needed to dwell in His presence to make it through my storm.

While it is still tough at times to recall miscarrying a child, I am extremely grateful that God brought me closer to Him.  I’m thankful that in the midst of this storm, God held my hand and took care of me physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I was simply going through the “Christian routine” and finding time to fit God’s Word into my life And making excuses. Having four children does take up a lot of your time and I wished there was more time in my days. But God made 24 hours in a day and knew that was enough. And I’m not suppose to work Him into my schedule, but make it a priority to dwell in His presence daily and seek Him first!

Baby #4….A Not so happy ending

I think I am ready to share with the world now!  On May 29, I typed this blog but did not publish it.  Today…I’m sharing with you what happened to our sweet baby.

May 29, 2013—I was hoping today would be the day that happily announce our 4th pregnancy to all our friends and family.  However, the news is rather shocking.  Miscarriages are far more frequent than we realize; however, we hide it from everyone.

On April 19, I took a wonderful pregnancy test.  It was a faint positive about 10 minutes later.  So, I was not 100% sure, so I took another one two days later.  Of course, it was positive.  I was sure I was pregnant because I already had the wonderful heartburn I always get.  I called the OB to make an appointment.  Since I was still breastfeeding, they wanted to do an early ultrasound to check the accuracy of the due date.

On May 15, I had my first ultrasound.  I measured about 6.5-7 weeks pregnant.  I thought I was 7.5 weeks, so it went well.

During the ultrasound, the doctor found a second sac.  She was not sure if it was a gestational sac with a second baby or a uterine blood clot.  Being as early as she thought I was, she wanted to do an ultrasound two weeks later to see if a second baby developed.  For the next two weeks, I was unsure if I was having one baby or two.  However, we were excited to see the precious heartbeat of at least one baby.

Today, I had my second ultrasound.  I was nervous.  I am not sure why.  For the past three days, I felt uneasy, as if something was wrong.  As soon as the tech showed me my sweet baby  on the screen, I knew something was wrong.  I am not a tech, but I knew I should see the heartbeating.  I didn’t.  Then she said it.  “I’m sorry sweetie but there is no cardio activity in this baby.”  She continued on to measure the baby and the gestational sac.  The sac measured to show I was about 9.5 weeks pregnant like I originally suspected.  However, the baby stopped growing at 7.5 weeks.  I felt like my heart just stopped for a second.  I did not process what happened.

What about the second sac?  The ultrasound tech clearly saw the second sac and it had grown larger than the baby’s gestational sac.  It was taking up about 50% of my uterus.  It was then obvious it was a blood clot, also known as  Subchorionic Hemorrahage.

How does a blood clot form in the uterus?  The doctor gave me a couple of explanations and most of my research online confirmed what she told me.  During implantation when the one tried to implant, it attached to the uterine wall but caused a tear in it.  This caused a bleed to occur and it continued to grow.

What happens with a blood clot in the uterus?  Several things can happen.  1)  It can slowly come out and cause some slight bleeding during the pregnancy. This does not cause a threat to the baby.   2)  The body simply absorbs the clot and the pregnancy continues as normal.  Or 3) The bleed continues and the blood clot grows bigger.  If it becomes bigger than the gestational sac that the baby is in, it causes problems.  In my case, the blood clot pushed the gestational sac and caused it to detach from my uterine wall.  This caused my sweeet baby to quit developing.

Can anything be done to cause this?  From what I read and the doctor told me., no.  I was breastfeeding when I conceived; however, it played no role in the miscarriage.  Some patients are put on bed rest if a blood clot is discovered in early pregnancies to help give the body time to heal and hopefully allow the clot to shrink.  Unfortunately, many women are not aware they have a clot.

What now?  I am waiting for my sweet baby to miscarry naturally.  I opted against a D&C or any medications to cause the miscarriage.  I feel God will let nature take its course.  For now, I continue to have pregnancy symptoms because my body still thinks there is a baby growing.  While there is a baby still in there, she has no heartbeat.

For those going through this, please know it is not your fault.  I know it feels that way.  All I have done all day is wonder what I did or did not do to cause this.  But I also know God has a plan.  This was a part of it whether it makes sense to me yet or not.

What made it easier—-looking at the three sweet faces that were waiting for me in the car with their amazing daddy who just held me tight while I cried some more.

I am also thankful for an wonderful doctor.  What amazed me was that many doctors use any word but “baby;” however, she only refered to this sweet life as my baby.  I am thankful for a doctor who realized life began immediately and recognized the pain I was feeling.

***On June, 12, at 11 weeks and 5 days, I naturally miscarried our sweet angel at home.  My story will be shared with another website that shares testimonies of those who naturally miscarried (and delivered) their babies.  If you would like a link, email me at ja.robinson29@gmail.com.  It is a detailed sight so I will send to those interested.***